


Avoid At All Costs

by IHaveNotTurnedGOOD (strangeradventuresofsabrina)



Category: Green Wing
Genre: Even Mac Isn’t Safe, F/M, Humor, Murderous Sue White, Your Typical Green Wing Weirdness Folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 08:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18332540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeradventuresofsabrina/pseuds/IHaveNotTurnedGOOD
Summary: Sue White is attacking anyone & everyone that dares enter her office for reasons unknown...





	Avoid At All Costs

I don’t own anything. This is just for fun.

 

Avoid At All Costs

 

“Christ Martin, are you okay?” Caroline all but shrieks at him as she sees Dr. Martin Dear walking towards her holding his nose.

It is evident from where she is standing that there is blood pouring from said nose.

“Heyyyyy.... ooh that looks nasty. Bloody hell.” Mac saddles up to them before folding his arms.

Watching as Caroline gently prises Martin’s hands away from his face to get a good look at his busted up nose.

“Okay. I’m going to put my guesses in now. Joanna or Sue White?”

“Last one.” Martin groans.

“What did you do?” Both Mac and Caroline enquire at the same time.

“I literally didn’t do anything, promise. I only opened the door and she threw a rock at me! She’s gone mad!” Martin exclaims.

“Pretty sure she was already bonkers but more bonkers than usual, got it. Okay now. I will leave you in the more than capable hands of Doctor Todd.” Mac points to Caroline.

“Where are you going?” Caroline queries.

“To see a woman about what she just did to my good friend Martin here.”

“Please, be careful. I don’t want you to die!” Martin cries desperately.

“Don’t worry about me Martin, she wouldn’t dare do anything to me. It’s Sue, that madwoman loves me.”

 

“What happened to you Fartin?” Guy Secretan chuckles as he approaches Caroline and Martin at a table in the canteen.

His eyes fixed on the dressing across Martin’s nose.

“Apparently Sue White thought it was acceptable to throw a rock at him.” Caroline fills him in.

“Martin.” Guy rests a hand on Martin’s shoulder bending down and moving around so that the two are staring face to face.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing! I swear. I literally just opened the door.”

“Well.” Guy tilts his head to the side.

“It was unprovoked. Completely awful. I know she’s batshit crazy but I can’t believe she’d go that far.”

“It was just a rock.”

“Guy!”

“What! I’m not saying it was right, I’m just saying that it’s Sue White. It could’ve been worse. Much worse.” Guy points out.

“I suppose your right.” Martin nods.

“Normally am. I’m the legendary Guy Secretan.” Guy says to a groan from Caroline and a tired look from Martin.

“Where’s Mac?” Guy notes the absence of his ginger friend.

“Went to have a word with the devil herself.” Caroline dips her spoon into her yogurt.

“He’s been gone for quite some time.” Martin notes.

“Maybe you should go after him.”

“Rather not and besides, it’s Mac! Everyone loves Mac.” Guy takes his seat beside Caroline.

“Especially Sue White.”

 

Happily bantering between themselves, Caroline does a double take when Mac appears looking rather worse for wear himself.

Unlike Martin, however. He is not bleeding from anywhere.

His hair’s just a bit out of place and there’s bit of what appears to be soil in his usual well kept wavy locks. 

“What did she do to you?” Martin glances up at him. 

“She threw a whole bloody plant at me.”

“I don’t believe it. She wouldn’t, not to you and not at your hair.” Guy shakes his head.

“Well, she did. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She wouldn’t even let me in. Got as far as the doorway.” Mac explains with hand gestures.

“I just I can’t believe it. She’s normally the one dragging me into her office. Never, never has she told me to fuck off. Ever.”

“Wait, she told you to fuck off?” Guy’s eyes widen.

“That was whilst she was throwing the plant.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I’ve literally got bits of plant in my hair.”

“No. We’re going to her office right now, all of us. I have to see this for myself.” Guy rises to his feet.

“Why. Please we don’t want any one else to nearly die.” Martin begs as Guy drags him to his feet.

“No ones going to die, Martin.” Mac sighs.

“Exactly and Sue definitely didn’t throw a plant at you.”

“Yes she did!”

“I’m going to find out for myself.”

 

“Okay, Martin. You first.” Caroline, Mac and Guy decide, the four of them stood in the corridor outside Sue White’s office.

“I don’t want to.”

“You have to. Stop being such a pussy and...” 

“Gentlemen, Dr. Todd.” Alan Statham, appearing out of nowhere greets them with an anxious nod before striding through the door of Sue’s office.

Only to run a way five seconds later, his coat ablaze with actual fire.

“FUCK OFF.” They hear a familiar Scottish growl.

However before the door shuts again, Mac grabs a hold of it before gently shoving Martin inside. 

“Hi, is...”

“YA FUCKING TWAT!” 

Martin races out of the office seconds later, being followed by an ambush of rocks being thrown at him from within.

“I can’t do this. I don’t want to die yet. You’re on your own! I choose life.” Martin cries as he runs away, leaving only Caroline, Mac and Guy remaining.

“Right. I’ve had enough of this...” Caroline marches towards the still open door.

“This is completely unacceptable behaviour even from you! Ahhh!” Caroline shrieks before the sound of a gun sounds out.

Caroline running out of the room seconds later with bits of paper stuck to her.

More unpleasant obscenities being growled out by Sue White.

“Mac. Show them all how it’s done.” Guy pats his best friend on the shoulder before letting Mac loose.

Knocking on the side of the door, Mac puts on his most charming smile before entering the room with a confidence none of the others possessed.

“Hey. So, Sue White...”

“I said FUCK OFF!” Sue growls to Guy’s ultimate surprise.

Mac really hadn’t been bullshitting.

Mere seconds later Mac escapes the office, a metal bin following him having evidently been thrown by Sue.

It doesn’t hit either of them thanks to Guy pulling Mac out of the way just in time.

“Do you.” Mac turns to Guy, a little out of breath.

“Believe me now?”

“Yes I do.” Guy nods.

“It is now your turn.” Mac informs him.

“Ohh right.” Guy winces.

Pretty confident that if Sue threw something at Mac of all people then he’s definitely going to get brutally injured if he dares step foot in the office of Sue White.

However, thinking quick. Guy grabs the metal bin that had been thrown at Mac and slides it over his head.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Mac gives him a bemused look.

“Protecting my beautiful features.” Guy hisses back before entering the office.

“It’s Guy. Guy Secretan. Dr. Secretan. Please don’t hurt me.” Is Guy’s opening line as he edges his way into the office.

“Get. Out.” He hears her familiar hiss.

However he doesn’t see her.

She is not sitting at her desk.

In fact, she’s nowhere to be seen. 

“Sue? Where are you?” Guy frowns a little.

“CRETINOUS FUCKWITT!” Guy sees the projection being thrown from behind the desk but he steps to the side to avoid it.

The object bouncing off the bin he has over his head.

“Are you alright?” Guy edges to the side some more, realising that her voice and the projectiles are coming from behind the desk.

“OUT!”

“NO!” Guy yells back, jogging the rest of the way.

Stopping dead in his tracks at what he sees.

Sue White, lying on the floor in a curled up position.

Her small frame wrapped up in a thin orange blanket.

Her beautiful voluminous hair free from the squirrel cascading all around her and covering most of her face that Guy realises is more pale than usual.

Her icy blue eyes are all red and so is her nose which looks like it’s been running as it appears to be sore.

Even with the blanket she is shivering and has a whole arsenal of weapons around her including a flame thrower.

“Do you want a fucking photo?” She growls.

“Fuck off.” She coughs then. Which is when Guy realises that the growling had probably been because she is loosing her voice.

“I said.” She hisses.

“Fuck off!”

She’s sick.

The terrifying vicious Sue White is sick.

For a moment Guy doesn’t do anything. Unsure of what to do.

Not sure if he will survive approaching her.

He can’t just leave her like this either.

“You’re sick.” He points out.

“I’m fine fuck off.” She growls, trying to edge closer to the radiator.

“I can literally hear you losing your voice and breathing from across the bloody room with your bin over my head.” Guy retorts.

“So? Get lost Donkey boy I’m really not in the mood.” She grumbles.

“Actually if you want to do something for me take a picture of yourself as you are and leave her for me to laugh at when I get up.” 

“Okay the bin is coming off.”

“Careful, might throw something at you now.”

“I don’t care.” Guy states determinedly, taking off the bin and setting it to one side.

“You haven’t thrown anything at me yet.”

“Wouldn’t make much of a difference if I did. You already look like a Donkey.” 

“Ha ha.” Guy puts his hands on his hips.

“Fuck off!” Sue groan-hisses.

“No. I’m not leaving until you’re in your chair at least.” Guy folds his arms.

“You’ll be waiting a bloody while Donkey boy.”

“How long have you been lying there?”

“Haven’t been keeping track of time.”

“Why come in at all if you felt like shit?” Guy continues.”

“I don’t feel like shit. I’m perfectly fine...” Sue stops to cough for a few moments, hissing and recoiling more into the position she is in.

“Yeah right.” Guy sighs, deciding to risk certain death after all and approaches the woman.

“If you want to do something useful with your existence turn the fucking heating up. Freezing my fucking arse off.” She hisses, clutching the blanket tightly to herself.

Yet the radiator is on and near enough at burning temperatures.

Gently pushing her lovely hair away from her face, Guy soon realises that she’s burning up.

“You have a fever.” He states matter of fact.

“Well I’m bloody freezing. So either get me another blanket or fuck off!”

Smiling a little, Guy shakes his head.

“I’m taking you home.”

“You don’t know where I live.” She hisses.

“No one does.”

“I know where I live and that’s exactly where I’m taking you.” Guy declares firmly.

“Secretan...”

“It has to be done.” Guy sighs before risking his life by reaching forward and easily lifting the small Scottish woman into his arms.

“Put me down you cretinous fuckwitt!” She snarls weakly.

“Not until I get you to my car.” 

“I will kill you. You will die.” Sue hisses as Guy carries her.

“Wanker!” She mumbles.

Not wanting to even acknowledge the fact that being off that hard floor feels nice.

Guy smirking when he realises that she’s calming down a little as he carries her.

Who knew that the vicious Sue White could be somewhat tamed?

“I know.” Guy replies before kissing the top of her head.”

“But I’m the wanker who’s going to take care of you.”

“You’re signing your own death certificate Secretan!”

 

Still stood outside the office, Mac watches Guy walk down the corridor with a wrapped up Sue White in his arms.

Watching them go in complete bemusement.

“Okay.” Mac starts to walk backwards.

Wondering exactly how he is going to explain this to Martin & Caroline.

“Join me again next week on let’s make no fucking sense where I will be waxing an owl.”

**Author's Note:**

> No ones going to read this probably so it’s not that much of an embarrassment that I’ve posted this godawful fic. I just love Green Wing so much as it’s been such a big part of my life & I watched it again recently which brought all my thoughts and feelings back for it. If anyone does read this thank you ever so much and please comment and tell me what you thought.


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